Love This Joke
By Chris Robinson
Q. Where does a one-handed man shop?
A. At a second-hand store.
A. At a second-hand store.
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed until she was "blue in the hands."
A. She screamed until she was "blue in the hands."
Dear tequila, you promised to make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer. You lied. I saw the video.
Sign on brothel door: "Closed-Beat it."
It's better to love a short woman that to never have loved a tall.
I used to work for a pool maintenance company. I quit because it was too draining.
Why do people go to the ball game and then sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game?"
Research shows that every piece of chocolate eaten shortens life by two minutes. I died in 1927.
Cher's joining the Spice Girls. The group's new name will be "Old Spice."
I'm so poor that ducks throw bread at me.
I played an album by Satan backwards and heard Led Zeppelin.
"Race Car" spelled backwards is "Race Car."
When I yawn, do deaf people think I'm screaming?
Alcohol is not the answer. It just makes you forget the question.
I invented the "inflatable dart board." It was a "bust."
5 out of 6 people said that they "would never play Russian Roulette again."
At the beach I use sunblock SPF 80. You squeeze the tube and an umbrella comes out.
Q. How do you make an egg roll?
A. Push it.
My hobby is collecting empty bottles. That sounds better then "alcoholic."
I dreamed I was a cookie. It was a Fig Newton of my imagination.
Fed Ex and UPS to merge. New company will be called FED UP.
Q. Why did the "skeleton" go to the party by himself?
A. He didn't have any "body" to go with.
A. He didn't have any "body" to go with.
I met a prostitute with a psychology degree. She blew my mind.
Boiled eggs are hard to beat.
Alcohol consumption may cause you to call old girlfriends at 4 am in the morning.
I ask my girlfriend if I was the only one she has been with? "Yes, she replied, "the others were 9 and 10's."
The fear of losing your cell phone is called "Nomophobia."
I sued the airline for lost luggage. I lost my case.
Q. What do chickens get when they eat too fast?
A. The "chick-ups."
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their butt?
I'm so poor that panhandlers give me money.
Your mamma is so dumb that blondes make jokes about her.
Jokes about unemployed or retired people just don't work.
Her pants said "yoga," but she butt said "Krispy Kream."
A stupid question is better than a stupid mistake.
My cat jumped out the car window. I got a ticket for kitty littering.
Q. What did the dentist say to the bucktooth woman?
A."Your teeth are outstanding."
It wasn't my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.
*One-liners and short jokes, old and new, are presented to a diverse demographic audience of FACEBOOK users. Their replies, non-replies, and comments to each joke are recorded, tabulated, and statistically scored. Scores are inputted in a scientifically formulated algorithm that rates each joke as Liked or Loved, or neither. Presented here are the best of each.
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